Dog Name Database Finally Proves Bernie Would’ve Won

New York City’s Department of Health and Mental Hygiene has released this year’s map of popular dog names based on legally required registrations. It’s an annual tradition to encourage people to register their dogs. But it also has an amazing way of solving debates. Debates like whether or not Bernie would’ve won. He would have, it turns out. And there’s so much more to learn.

You can look to data nerds like Nate Silver to give you statistical information about such matters, or you can look to NYC’s dog database and see how popular certain dog names were vs. other dog names. We know now that Silver was totally wrong about the election just like everyone else, so why would we trust those experts. Let’s settle the Bernie debate and so many others with the only data anyone needs.

Bernie vs. Hillary: Bernie

Bernie slays, proving once and for all that the Democratic Primary was rigged.

Trump vs. Cruz: Tie

Nobody named their dog Kasich, so we have to go with ole’ Lyin’ Ted. Looks like there’s no scandal here, people were split on the Republican Primary. The only loser is the American people.

Bernie vs. Trump: Bernie

It’s settled, he would’ve won.

Dog vs. Cat: Dog

Now we know, dogs are better than cats.

Bill vs. Steve: Bill

After all this time, Bill’s still winning.

Skywalker vs. Vader: Vader

It is pointless to resist, my son.

Mario vs. Sonic: Mario

Sonic may have the fan art seen on lockdown, but Mario is still the king.

Jesus vs. Satan: Jesus

Better luck next time, Satan.

Facebook vs. Instagram: Tie

Zuckerberg doesn’t care.

So, we wouldn’t have any of this enlightening information without the glory of crowdsourcing. Let us know what matchups the NYC dog name database resolved for you. Seriously, you’ll be amazed at what people name their dogs. The only rule is that you accept it as an empirical fact—the American people have spoken.