Ho, No, You Don’t
EUGENE, SIR: So let me get this straight: You’re advising people to go to prostitutes? What else are you advising? Drug use? Armed robbery? I think honestly this can be called advice only if it really helps someone. I can’t see your “advice” helping anyone unless it helps them get STDs. I mean, was it too much to tell that poor guy to see a counselor? Until then, maybe try doing no harm. What a novel concept. —Tom T.
Dear Mr. Thumb: That would, I suspect, look something like this:
“I think I want to go to a prostitute.”
“Go to a counselor.”
“So a counselor will help me with post-break-up desires for sexual release?”
“No. Thanks for writing!”
This is just another way of saying if you ask me for advice about apples, I will give you advice on apples. Imagine how easy this job would be if you asked for advice on apples and I could give you advice on Etruscan poetry.
Moreover, your take equating sex with drug use, disease and armed robbery is probably not cool at all, and not especially helpful. Some sex workers do the work because they want to. Some because they believe they have to. Sort of like real jobs. And all of them endeavor to end up better in some way than when they started. Marginalizing them because their behavior doesn’t accord with your moral code could actually result in real downstream harm for both the men and the women who do this as a job.
So you don’t like it, and you’re fully within your rights to not like it, but dude wasn’t asking for a counselor; he was asking about a way to build post-break-up self-esteem, and the way he was leaning might have been the way he was best suited to go.
But thanks for writing!
Anal Experience Experts
EUGENE, SIR: I’ve had and enjoyed anal sex. Which I told my fiancé. This led to us trying it and me concluding that we should never try it again. He was terrible, got nervous, lost his erection; I wouldn’t blow him to help because he didn’t want to wash, and then after he got it back, he rushed too fast so it hurt, and we just stopped. He’s been hinting around trying it again, but I don’t think we need to “experiment” with him getting better. Besides, our love life was fine without this. He, however, has gotten pushy about it and then said something that set me off about how he’d like to do it before we got married, like a condition, and then he said it bothered him that “all of these other guys” had me that way and he hadn’t. I’m sort of sickened. What do I do? —Name withheld by request
Dear Asset Management: Any kind of “negotiating” around sexual activity will always come across as creepy since it attempts to codify what’s fundamentally “play” and, in this instance, play that’s part of a preexisting relationship of some depth. Presumably, it would have been easy enough to just talk about it. But I guess not, and instead of talking he took the 100-foot cliff dive into total stupidity when he tried to either make it some sort of misdemeanor not to or something that was going to make him “one of the guys.”
I’m sorry for all of this. In the first and most important case, maybe you all can start actually talking to each other. You’re not opposed to it; you just want him to relax, take it easy and remember it’s supposed to be fun. Outside of that, unless you all are putting something up his butt, maybe he could lighten up on the entitlement stuff. And of course, never, ever, ever mention anything about the mysterious monolith of “the guys.” If he can do those things, admit he has no idea what he’s doing and let you, the owner of the anus in question, lead the way, then you all might be on the road to a certain kind of wellness. Good luck!
Magical Vaginal
EUGENE, SIR: I was having sex with this fine fella I found online, and when I started to orgasm I could feel something like my cervix was re-seating itself. Like it was moving up and back up into me. Don’t know if this was connected to the orgasm, but it was an orgasm like I’d never had before. The guy was not super large and so I don’t know what caused it or why it happened, but I trembled for 20 minutes after. Any idea what was happening? I need an answer before I start to attach some special significance to the owner of said penis. So, yeah, any help is welcome! —Caroline
Dear Sweet Caroline: It sounds like what those who study such things call a “cervical orgasm.” Most likely happening as a result of the penis brushing up against the cervix — so much for your lover not being “super large.” He was, in all likelihood, large enough to brush the cervix, which sort of does move. When you’re not aroused? Your vagina is probably anywhere from about 3 to 4 inches deep. When aroused? Your vaginal canal lengthens. Behind it, you find your cervix, which stretches from where your vagina ends to the base of your uterus.
So even if most women need to have the clitoris stimulated to achieve orgasm, this cervical stimulation leads to an orgasm very close to what you describe. I can’t advise whether or not the guy should be kept, but this is just math: Take the total number of sex partners you’ve had, factor in how often this has happened before, assess a personal data set for this man and his penis and plan accordingly!
