Love thy neighbour: The best tricks to resolve doorstep arguments

“This has been going on for 10 years, we’ve been trying to move and get away but can’t. We just want to be left alone and live a normal life but she has ruined our lives. She doesn’t leave us alone for one minute.”

So 50-year-old Caroline Moore of Sutton Coldfield told Birmingham Magistrates Court in March before winning an indefinite restraining order against her neighbour Julie Rankine.

Rankine, 54, had hit Caroline in the stomach with a metal walking stick during an argument about building work. In sentencing Rankine to 22 weeks in prison, later suspended, district judge Ian Strongman told her, “You are an unpleasant woman who has caused your neighbours’ life to be hell and this is your comeuppance.”

She was convicted of three charges of assault and one charge of using threatening behaviour, after boundary disputes had escalated into a series of violent incidents. 

But how can people prevent disputes over such seemingly petty issues as fence posts and hedgerow borders from escalating into open warfare?

“The type of arguments taking place are changing rapidly,” claims mediation expert Josh Fern,* who works in London on a private basis to resolve neighbourhood disputes in some of the city’s most wealthy areas.

“Certainly there are long-standing issues which we aim to resolve, such as noise levels and boundary disputes, but we’ve also seen different types of complaint emerge lately.

“Certainly, 10 years ago there weren’t issues like using your neighbours’ Wi-Fi access and being disturbed by an online shopping delivery coming at six in the morning.”

The statistics make for depressing reading.

A survey of 2,001 home owners by property law expert Slater and Gordon Lawyers found two-thirds of those questioned said their lives had been blighted by the actions of their neighbours.

Half of them admitted to avoiding their neighbours, nearly one in five have called the police at some point and, incredibly, one in 10 stated they’d had a physical fight with a neighbour.

Ultimately, though, according to NHS psychologist Dr Tom Steele, there are basic rules to resolving conflicts that can be applied to almost any situation, whether it be Wi-Fi or wastebins.

“The key thing to consider if you are in an argument with your neighbour over anything is to understand that people usually only get angry because they want to be heard,” he says.

“Once you understand this, it’s quite easy to work with. Simply put, if you let somebody talk – or even shout if they have to – until they’re all ‘talked out’, which always eventually happens, then you’re in a position where they’ve exhausted their anger and you can now start getting constructive.”

Simple as this may sound, third-party help and support for dealing with spats before solicitors become involved or the dispute turns abusive or violent is becoming increasingly scarce in the UK.

“It’s been clear that a lot of local authority support has gone from what is a very important conflict-preventative measure in many communities,” admits Alan Sharland, director of CAOS Conflict Management. “Hackney, Hillingdon, Lewisham, Tower Hamlets, Medway and others in London have closed. Further up country, Unite Mediation in Middlesbrough, one of the longest standing in the country, closed recently.

“I don’t want to say it’s all bad, as there are some areas that are growing, such as homelessness mediation, which supports families in working through their difficulties when there’s a risk of a family member leaving home due to family stress and relationship breakdown,” adds Mr Sharland, who has had more than three decades experience as a mediator and conflict coach.

“But with specific regard to your topic of neighbour disputes there’s a distinct withdrawal of support for it. It’s hard to prove the worth of it as we are able to diffuse so many situations before they reach the courts. All I can say is that mediation is incredibly cheap compared to the financial cost of neighbour disputes entering civil or criminal courts.”

As economical as a local authority mediator can be it still can’t compete, in Dr Steele’s opinion, with the simplicity of learning a few basic visualisation techniques for the next time there’s an altercation over rubbish bins or noise levels.

“It may sound a bit hokey but you have to remember in reality nobody is innately evil,” he says. “If you dismiss your ‘neighbours from hell’ as ‘nutters’ you have to remember that they very possibly feel the same way about you.

“I always advise my patients to visualise the person who is causing them trauma and spend a little bit of time thinking about something positive that may make them happy. Even the most difficult people have family, grandkids, football teams, hobbies etc that make them happy. 

“Try to imagine your neighbours feeling genuine joy, rather than being difficult, and if you keep these thoughts in your head the next time there’s an altercation with them then there’s a good chance that you’ll be thinking how incredible it is that a person who you might consider your enemy suddenly can be your friend.”

Whether the row is over time-honoured issues such as boundaries or something contemporary like the kids using a drone in the back garden, for Alan Sharland, the core of the problem – and the key to resolving it – goes beyond any kind of court order or police intervention.

“We really believe in this country that our home is our castle,” he says. “And if people threaten that emotion then we get frightened and feel invaded. Often there’s a way of dealing with it, so you no longer feel that way.

“If you can get rid of that sense of feeling invaded then ultimately there’s no reason at all why we can’t still get along and, just maybe, even forgive the noise from the odd summer barbecue.” 

For more information on mediation in neighbour disputes, go to the CAOS Conflict Management website at caos-conflict-management.co.uk. 

*Some names have been changed to protect their clients’ identities. 

Top tips to prevent your neighbourhood conflict from getting out of hand

l Even if the other person – or people – are shouting and screaming, don’t be tempted to join in. Do not allow yourself to be provoked. All this does is make people become more entrenched and even less willing to listen to reason.

l Don’t concentrate on your differences. Look for issues you agree on and take that as a starting point from which to work.

l Keep giving positive reinforcement to the other person’s position, even if you don’t agree. This can be as simple as saying, “Yes, I see what you mean.” This is a key step to diluting a person’s anger.

l If the other person becomes too abusive, don’t be afraid to walk away and say you are willing to continue the discussion when they have calmed down.

l Accept responsibility if you are at fault. This is difficult to do but it is vital. It is hard to argue with anybody who says something along the lines of, “You may well be right. Let’s look at the facts of the situation together and reach a solution.”