Ferne McCann: First Time Mum review: It’s the casting that makes this drama so watchable

After boxer Amir Khan’s discovery, in I’m A Celebrity, that Australia is nowhere near Alaska and that we have twice (shockingly) had a woman prime minister, I give you Ferne McCann from The Only Way Is Essex.

Last week, she appeared to misplace an essential part of her female anatomy.

McCann is the latest reality “star” to grace us with her commanding intelligence in Can You Tell How Stupid I Am Yet? It might as well have been.

It was actually called Ferne McCann: First-Time Mum (ITVBe, Tuesday). The performer – loosely termed – had a session with a hypnotherapist to encourage her to breathe during pregnancy. 

Trust me, she needed reminding. As the conversation continued, she inquired: “Every woman has got a uterus, yeah?” Cue, much tumbleweed in Essex.

Her mother, also in the room, looked quizzical but not completely disowning.

The TV audience was simply aghast at another instalment of Not Educating Essex.

Where was she during biology? In the Sugar Hut nightclub? OK, she’s been having quite a time of it lately.

The father of her soon-to-be-born child, Arthur Collins, was convicted of throwing acid over dancers in a nightclub while she was filming all this.

She has coped with this devastating news by documenting her every breath in a reality show over the past nine months.

Of course, those of us who aren’t reality stars would simply disappear from view. Not brave Ferne.

She does a photoshoot and makes sure her Instagram is up-to-date. Girl’s gotta make a living.

As the “styling” got under way, Ferne gave a rare insight into how she was conceiving her look: “The Virgin Mary… that’s the image I was trying to get across.”

She couldn’t stop talking about her “birf” and its effects on her body. After all, she was going to have the only baby ever born in Essex.

Her belly button was endlessly fascinating (to her), as she poked around trying to clean it.

Indeed, the whole world was endlessly fascinating to her, like she’d never seen it before.

Her incredulity knew no bounds: amazing herself that she could attend a yoga session with other pregnant women without them ruining her evening with selfi e requests. Or her delight over the taxing self-assembly Tripp Trapp high chair for whom she is no doubt a very important ambassador.

Or is now. It was important for her to catch up with old friends. One excited pal was just about to have his “nostrils done”.

He’s paying for this service, apparently. Serving lunch to her buddies, Ferne couldn’t control her excitement: “I’ve just salvated [sic] in the chicken. Is that the right word?” Salvation from chicken?

Even more in common with the Virgin Mary. For the record, she gave birth to a girl, which she named Sunday, but who was born on a Thursday

“Sunday” will be a “second generation” reality star, whether she likes it or not.

She’s already got the birth video. Here’s something to watch over Christmas/ New Year, a complete gem of a drama that has arrived in the schedule with little fanfare.

Feud: Bette And Joan (BBC2, last night) is an eight-parter from the US on the long-standing rivalry between Bette Davis and Joan Crawford, two actresses for whom the term “star” can be used without embarrassment.

It deals with how the two appeared opposite each other in the film Whatever Happened To Baby Jane? from 1962.

The script crackles with great lines. Ms Crawford was the grand dame of Hollywood by this stage but was cutting back on staff.

But the departing gardener was still in awe: “It was an honour to prune Miss Crawford’s bushes,” he offered, without irony. It also feels very contemporary.

“They’re not making pics for women any more,” Crawford tells Davis, who was appearing on Broadway but only as a second lead.

It’s the casting that makes this drama so watchable. Crawford is played by Jessica Lange, while Davis is Susan Sarandon, who is also an executive producer on the project.

Then two favourites of British television, Stanley Tucci and Alfred Molina, play the studio boss and the film’s director respectively. In one brilliant scene between the pair, with a distinct whiff of Weinstein, Tucci gets a full back massage as Molina pitches the film.

The former is underwhelmed with the idea of two older women in a film: “Would you **** ’em?” he shouts at Molina as the blonde masseuse withdraws with a whack on the backside from Tucci.

He continues: “I created goddesses.” You wonder if Hollywood will ever change. No Christmas should be attempted without first watching every minute of Kirstie’s Homemade Christmas (C4, Monday).

But before you do I would take a trip to Specsavers otherwise everything you make will need to be examined under a large magnifying glass.

We are indebted to Kirstie for everything she uncovers: “My main gift to you is sugar crafting…”

So grateful. We then had “sugar blowing” and a Christmas tree made from a tiny ice cream cone. It will, of course, take at least three months to make any of this at which point you will wish you’d heeded her warning: “It can be fiddly.”

Happy Christmas crafting.