1. “When I was four I collected dead flies and kept them in a little trinket box when I wasn’t playing with them. To make it worse, I named all of the insect corpses after my brother.”
2. “When I asked my 4-year-old nephew what he wanted for lunch he said people. I said that people weren’t food and he threw a fit.”
3. “My 4-year-old was in the tub, playing, when he told me he got pee in his mouth. When I asked him how he managed that he pointed his penis upward and peed in his face. ‘Like that,’ he said.”
4. “My 4-year-old stuck a rock so far up his nose we had to go to the ER to have it removed. When I asked him why he did it he told me he didn’t put it there, it just ‘bounced’ in!”
5. “As a kid I hid in a loft thing in my bedroom closet for two hours — and stayed hidden even when my parents opened the door 30 times…”
“They thought I was kidnapped and called the police. I told the police I thought we were playing ‘hide and seek’ even though I never asked, just hid.”
—cnc17
6. “When my son was 4-years-old he took everything out of my purse, filled it with dog food, then put everything back on top of the dog food…”
“I didn’t notice until I was going for my wallet in a checkout line. I received so many disgusted looks from the cashier and people in line as I dug through a bag full of dog food like a crazy person. When I asked my son why he did that he said ‘In case I got hungry.’”
—ubee0173
7. “My daughter was two when I found her in the bathroom covered head-to-toe in Vaseline. Trying to pick her up was like trying to grab a water weenie. It took days to get it all off of her.”
8. “When my uncle was a kid he’d take the newspaper after my grandpa was done reading it and ‘scalp’ all of the pictures. He kept all of the ‘hair’ he cut out in a box under his bed.”
9. “My 7-year-old step son decided to save time in the bathroom by using a brand new, UNRAVELED roll of toilet paper to wipe his bottom (you know, instead of unraveling what he needed and doing it the normal way)…”
“It was so covered that it made it completely unsalvageable.”
10. “When I was younger I was obsessed with my brother’s turtles in the sense that I wanted — for some reason — to eat them…”
“One day I did! I put the turtle in my mouth thinking I would bite it but it bit me first. Right on the tongue. I still have the lump on the side of my tongue to prove it.”
—kellileslie
12. “I cut my eyelashes to punish my mom. I was mad and she always told me I had gorgeous eyelashes. They never grew back quite as long.”
13. “When I was five I was watching Beauty and The Beast, and during the scene when the Beast gets groomed up for his date with Belle, I took it upon myself to grab a pair of scissors and join in on the cutting…”
“I literally cut off every braid on my head and looked like Hellraiser with these sectioned little sprouts of hair, but almost bald.”
—darrynr2
14. “My 4-year-old had a Disney Princess DVD player shaped like a castle. One day she told me it wouldn’t open, so I pried it open with a butter knife to find a bunch of dead lizard bones! Her response was ‘Oh, mommy, it was their castle.’”
15. When my son was three, he and his friends — fellow male toddlers — were *skating* in their socks on the wooden floor. One boy thought the floor would be even more slippery wet, so they wet it with the handiest liquid they could muster. Pee. They were so happy skating in their pee.”
16. “When my daughter was three I let her know that whenever she wanted to talk to me or ask me about ANYTHING, I would always answer honestly. She did a knowing, slow nod, and then went silent for a few minutes…”
She then said ‘Um, mum, I have a question…’
‘Ok, love, ask me anything!’
‘Um, mum? What’s inside of a cat?’”
—buggamum
17. “My 3-year-old was playing outside at grandma’s when he decided he didn’t want to come in to use the bathroom. So he took off his shorts, squatted, and pooped in her front yard.”
18. “When I was seven I begged my mom all day to go to McDonalds for a Happy Meal, but she kept telling me no…”
“Later, when we went my doctor’s appointment, I told the doctor my mom wanted to go on a date with him to McDonalds.”
—hunterh4b5ca824d
19. “My 3-year-old was obsessed with those razor commercials where women shave their legs. When I wouldn’t let her shave her own legs she threw a serious tantrum. I literally had to keep the razors and shaving cream locked up…”
“One day I found her with bean dip all over her body and a plastic spoon. She started screaming, ‘It’s not really shaving if it’s bean dip!’ then scraped bean dip off her legs and threw it at me. I had to leave the room because I didn’t want her to see me laughing hysterically.”
—robertaunderwoods
Some submissions have been edited for length and/or clarity.
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