There are no nice people in Westeros. Whether it be “Game of Thrones” or “House of the Dragon,” everyone is in it for themselves, no matter how nice they appear. At the end of the day, even if there are few genuinely good characters, they eventually get swallowed up and killed by the cruel world of “A Song of Ice and Fire.” Meanwhile, the rest of the smart characters recognize an opportunity when it presents itself in front of them, and they take it, no matter the consequences.
But then, there’s Ser Criston Cole, a character that is neither good and nice enough to avoid doing selfish things, but also not smart enough to take advantage of his situation. Indeed, he may just be the stupidest character in Westeros since Ned Stark.
When we first meet him, Criston is like a cross of Ser Loras and Oberyn Martell, a handsome, popular-with-the-ladies knight who is also very good at duels and tournaments. He is also a man who rose above his station and proved his worth without the help of lineage, and when Rhaenyra made him part of the Kingsguard, it made sense since he was the only candidate with any real combat experience.
A Fool For Love
Things got complicated when Rhaenyra had sex with Criston, even if it seemed consensual. That’s because Ser Criston Cole is actually a humongous idiot and a complete moron who cannot shut his pie hole for a minute. You see, Rhaenyra took a liking to Ser Criston, who seemed to have done the same.
So when Rhaenyra was forced to marry, she suggested she and Ser Criston continued seeing each other on the side while she performed her duties in public — a very good deal, right? A non-noble knight getting to be a member of a prestigious organization while also having the love of the most powerful person in Westeros? Sweet! Not for Criston, though.
You see, Criston is not the kind of man who would allow himself to simply be content with a good job and the love of a woman. He cannot fathom the idea of being with a powerful woman while he is her paramour (while probably being fine with the reverse). He scoffs at Rhaenyra’s suggestion that they stay together after she marries by saying that would make him her whore. Instead, Criston’s brilliant suggestion is to pull an “Aladdin” and head over to the other side of the world to live in poverty because at least then he’d get to be the man in charge.
This is a guy so stupidly obsessed with his station, which he owes to Rhaenyra, and so obsessed with his honor (only when it’s convenient) that he only now remembers his vow of chastity and confesses the whole affair to the queen, who didn’t know or care about it until he confessed.
No Honor Among Thieves
This is the “House of the Dragon” equivalent of Ned Stark doing the “honorable” thing and telling Cersei he knows about her incest babies and giving her the opportunity to plot a counterattack just because it’s the proper thing to do. Of course, just like Ned paid with his head, Ser Criston went and made things worse by becoming a homophobe too and killing the poor Ser Joffrey Lonmouth before almost trying to kill himself.
To recap, Ser Criston was a nobody before Rhaenyra gave him a sweet job, then offered to allow him to continue having sex despite his chastity vow, and he decided to not only reject the idea, but to snitch to the queen, and then goes and commits a hate crime against a gay man? Say what you will about Daemon, but at least he’s not stupid enough to decline a good opportunity when it presents itself.
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